Tag: abuse

Breaking Benjamin (Album Review) (K)

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Possible tw for some upsetting trauma/abuse related topics

So it looks like I’m about to do my first album review ever. Some of the others have done album reviews themselves already elsewhere, but I guess it’s my turn. I chose this one because it’s a favorite of mine, and I knew I’d be able to reveal more of myself by sharing this with you. I just hope you will appreciate it, but if not it’s no sweat. I’ll be alright.

Breaking Benjamin

We Are Not Alone (2004)

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(1) So Cold

This is such a great beginning to an incredible album. It really strikes a cord within me and is pure nostalgia from the years I spent in what I call “the hell zone” which was middleschool. The song reminds me of being vulnerable, and having someone taking advantage of that to where you eventually become cold and distant. You are now similar to a rock with no emotion and feeling to keep yourself from being hurt again. It’s like you’ve built a shell that is tough to break because your hard exterior has become inpenetrable to those who wish for you to be open, so they can get close to you. This song describes me perfectly. Though I’m working on it constantly I feel that it’s going to take years to break down those walls that I’ve built up for so long. 8/10

(2) Simple Design

This track kicks in with some heavy drums and a scream that grabs your attention instantly. It’s basically saying that the song means business, and you’re going to want to sit down, shut up and listen to it as it has got something really important to say. The lyrics give off the impression of someone wanting the simple life or for things just to be not so complicated particularly in a relationship. The way I reate to this is that I feel like I’m “too much” for most people. Things will never just be fun and carefree for me. I’ve been through so much that I could never erase that part of me from existence, and the person I’d end up with would have to accept that, or I’d be showing them the door. Lets just say I’m probably going to be single for the rest of my life, and I feel like I’m okay with that. 7/10

(3) Follow 

The guitar intro on this really fucking rocks, and when the vocals start up they make me feel like I’m getting lost in a daydream, dissociating, and drifting away. My interpretation of it is someone who wants to found, and to feel safe for the first time in their life. They feel like they’ve been waiting forever for someone to come take them out their misery, but that day never comes. I think it’s pretty clear that we have to save ourselves, and that we can’t count on anyone. It’s a rough lesson to have to learn, but it’s a harsh reality and truth that we have to eventually face in order to move forward. 7.5/10

(4) Firefly 

This is one of my least favorite songs on the album but it isn’t bad. There’s a part of the song that makes me think of escaping reality with a person who is trying to run away from something the same as you. But they get to know you better along the way, and they start to regret their decision. It’s like they’ve put you on a pedestal, and then once they find out your not this perfect little shining star they expected you to be, they get all pissy. This song kind of annoys me, but since it’s apart of one of my favorite albums, I’ll let this one pass for now, and will just continue to enjoy the music. 5/10

(5) Break My Fall 

I get the idea that the the person singing is trying to find himself in another, and is relying way too much on them. They’re acting like they are there for them, but really it’s actually about what the person they are leaning on can do for them. It sounds like some manipulative shit and also kind of annoys me to be honest. I used to skip ahead a lot of times to the next 3 songs because they are my favorites on the album, and these last two just don’t get me as much as the other ones. But that’s okay because they still can fit the mood, and rock hard, so I wouldn’t completely give up on their importance on the album. 6/10

(6) Forget it 

This song is pure gold, and is sadly underrated as fuck. It’s my secret that I don’t really share with others, well until now. I don’t like revealing my love for this song because it can actually bring me to tears. It describes my depression perfectly, but in a way that’s open and vulnerable. It makes me feel like reaching out, but I get the feeling that it will do no good because so many people can’t be trusted. It picks at my deepest wounds, and it reminds me of the man I hate in the mirror, and no I don’t mean me. I mean the one who makes me feel broken, and afraid of myself because I don’t want to be anything like him, but I am. It’s definitely a slower song on the album, but the best in my opinion. 10/10

(7) Sooner Or Later 

This song reminds me of the some of the abuse I went through particularly with the cycle of yelling, thrashing, and throwing things one second to the neglect of ignoring me while he just wasted away and took me down with him. I find myself so angry with hatred towards him, yet I still wanted to be close, and help the person who was so destructive towards me. This was when I still had hope, but was full of rage and sadness. Now I am full of those emotions still, but no longer believe anything can be done, it’s too late, and they’re way too far gone. I might still have a chance to break through though myself, but without them. I’ve had to let go of what could’ve been, and that’s been pretty fucking hard, more than I usually care to admit to myself. I also get a “karma’ vibe from the track as well. 9.5/10

(8) Breakdown

This was the first song I ever heard from the band, and that had me instantly hooked. “Breakdown” is exactly as it sounds. It sounds like someone is breaking down especially with the loud scream throughout. It reminds me of when I’m melting down. I used to be really self-destructive, and this song fits that perfectly. I would highly recommend this track to anyone who wants to explore the greatness that is Breaking Benjamin, at least with this album, because the other ones don’t compare. This sadly was the one and only album that I really connected to where the rest have been very meh. They just don’t hold a candle to it, and there will never be another song like this one. 9.5/10

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(9) Away

This song is really great too! It really has a whole lot of emotion to it, and it does feel like you’re trying to get someone out of your head, but struggling really hard to do so. It’s when someone has such an impact on you that their voice becomes your own. That you don’t even feel like a seperate person from them. It’s a deep song that I think doesn’t get the attention it deserves. 8/10

(10) Believe

Now this song rocks fucking hard especially when it gets to the chorus. It makes me brain feel all scrambled and chaotic in a good way where I just want to headbang the fuck out of it. I love it and you can definitely let out a lot of deeply repressed anger using this track. It’s a beast. Some people think this song sounds like rape, but I don’t feel like that’s what it’s about at all, though I guess interpretation is up to the individual. I just don’t get that from the track. It does sound like a huge release though, but it a healthier way to me than what is described. 9/10

(11) Rain

What a beautiful way to end the album, and it’s probably one of the best endings I’ve ever heard. I can’t tell you how many times I listened to this on rainy days, because rain does fit the mood of this song perfectly. Though I don’t think it’s really all that literal, haha. I feel it’s definitely about dealing with life’s storms and waiting for the day that everything is clear so you can finally find happiness and freedom. But it’s not just personal storytelling. It sounds almost like it’s a collective cry for better days, and I think it’s perfect. 9/10

 

All in all I’d give this album an 8.5/10 rating. You can listen to the whole album in a YouTube playlist by following the link above. It just shows the first song on here, so you will have to probably open it up in a new window to hear the rest. I  will probably come back to this one for years to come, I’m sure of it! I hope you enjoyed this. It was actually a lot of fun, and I hope to do it again sometime in the future. But for now I am off…

Artwork Credit : Haenuli; Lyod

SYLCollective, Kristin

 

 

Love Is My Religion (and music too!)

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There is one thing that I do know for sure, and that is that the power of love exists. Maybe we didn’t experience it from the people who were supposed to give it to us as a child. And maybe it feels like we’ve never really had it where it came from any outside person that is.

But I have witnessed it within our system. The love that we share with one another that is inside of us. We are the family we never had. We are the miracle. I can feel all those little ones inside that I hold so dear to my heart. They are my children, and I will always do my very best to protect them with my love.

Even in those moments when it all feels lost, I find myself again through love, not who I was told to be or feared into being, or that which was created merely for just survival. But the love that helps me create and helps me to thrive and be the person I am underneath all of that. Just when I think I cannot go on any longer, it reminds me of the connectedness of everything. And that I’m not merely just a speck of dust, but an important part of all that is.

My mission is to recognize the true beauty and magic within, and to share that unconditionally and effortlessly.  Love is not supposed to be an uphill battle. It’s supposed to flow. It’s supposed to rise above all challenges with ease, because it holds so much strength in vulnerability. They think that love is weakness, but fear is, and fear will not take me prisoner any longer, at least it won’t keep me there. I will always connect back to love, and my system. We are love! We are strength! And we will overcome!

Inspiration taken from My Religion by Krystal

(this song is on an album that we had in our CD collection growing up, you can’t even find it on Spotify, so I feel so blessed to have found it on YouTube! 😀 )

Also, religion was something that was used to abuse us, so taking something that was used in that way, and finding a way to use it for healing has been so very empowering!

 

Music & Living With A Dissociative Identity

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This isn’t just a music blog. This is a collective music blog consisting of some of the brightest shining souls who apart of a system and share one singular body.

The inner-world is where most of us like to gather. We all have a voice even if we only really use it through whoever just happens to be fronting at the time. Usually that is me (the host) who experiences the influence of these many others.

To say the least this can make life rather confusing especially when it comes to my own identity, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I get to experience life in a way that most people never will. Unfortunately this meant we had to go through immense trauma in order for this to happen, but sometimes there is good that can come out of the worst things that occur in one’s life.

Music has always been a sanctuary for many of us. It has been a light where there only seemed to be darkness. It gave us something to live for when all we wanted was to leave this plane of existence. It is what keeps us holding on, and moving forward. It gives us hope.

Now I do not speak for all of us. This is just talking very vaguely about our system. We have one of us in our collective who actually hates music because of the trauma surrounding it. You could say they don’t come out much because of this.

Many of us have never even experienced music really at all or as thoroughly as some of us who are the main fronters that have had the opportunity to truly immerse ourselves in it. Some of us are just starting to define our own musical tastes and identity. This is a process that I know helps a lot of the system get closer to figuring out their origins and gives them a taste of who they really are as a separate entity from the rest of us.

Today one of the most incredible things happened. It has happened before, just not with music, at least as far as I can recall because my memory is rather fuzzy to say the least. I shared this experience with one of our main fronters in our system who has gone through a lot of sexual trauma, and had some pretty gruesome nightmares last night. Of course she woke up not feeling so great, so we both listened to some songs together by Grace Carter which really helped her process some of her trauma.

This artist is one that I already had fallen in love with recently myself, but she never listened to any of the songs before today. It took on a whole new meaning for her, and I was able to be an empathetic witness. Through the process of co-fronting which basically just means we both had control over the body at the same time, her on one side, and myself on the other, I was able to comfort her and really felt a connection using these beautiful, emotional, and powerful songs, seeing them from multiple different perspectives.

 

 

That is part of the magic of living with a dissociative identity that most people might not realize. You get to see the world in more than one way, and it has been quite the eye-opening experience since we became aware of ourselves. We used to just think we were one identity full of many contradictions and just didn’t really having a solid sense of self. Little did we know there was more than meets the eye. 

So much more is to come where this blog is concerned and I feel honored to share this musical dissociative journey with you. I hope you will join us as we share the miracle of dissociation which saved our lives on countless occassions through our creativity, and the music that has helped us get through it all.

With so much love,

The Shine Your Light Collective

Artwork Credit : @lia4u Instagram; Daehyun Kim